Do you often find yourself saying ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’? Or perhaps you constantly seek validation from others, making their happiness your priority while neglecting your own needs? But it’s important to remember, this isn’t a life sentence. If you are tired of this, it’s time to break free from these invisible chains holding you in the prison of people pleasing.
In the blog The Prison of People-Pleasing, I explored the possible roots and impact of people-pleasing behaviour. It looked at its links with self-esteem, fear of rejection, and the desire for acceptance. Now, lets go a step further to consider some strategies to reclaim your autonomy, assert your needs and start living a life that truly reflects who you are. Because you deserve to live your life on your terms, filled with genuine happiness and freedom.
TRY THE QUESTIONNAIRE: Are you a People Pleasing Prisoner
STRATEGIES FOR FREEDOM
1.Set healthy boundaries to address people pleasing
Setting healthy boundaries is a vital strategy in breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing. It’s about understanding your worth and making a conscious decision to look after your mental, emotional, and physical space.
When you set boundaries, you’re essentially teaching others how to treat you by defining what is acceptable and what isn’t in your interactions with them. To do this:
- Identify what you value most, such as your time, your feelings, or your personal space.
- Communicate these boundaries clearly, assertively, and respectfully to those around you. Remember, it’s okay to say ‘no’ when something is not in line with your values or comfort level.
Ultimately, setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to pleasing others, but with practice, it will empower you to take control of your life and cultivate healthier relationships.
2.Prioritize self-care to neutralize people pleasing
This is a crucial strategy for managing the habit of people-pleasing. Why? Because at its core, people-pleasing often stems from neglecting your needs and desires in favour of others. By consciously prioritizing self-care, you give yourself a powerful message that your needs matter, too.
This can be as simple as taking time each day to do something you love, like reading a book, going for a run, or just sitting quietly with a cup of tea. It can also mean making sure you’re eating well, getting enough sleep, and taking care of your physical health.
But self-care also involves emotional and mental wellbeing. This might mean seeking support from a therapist or counsellor, or setting aside time each week for reflection and mindfulness practices. The key is to make self-care a non-negotiable scheduled part of your routine.
So, start today: make a list of self-care practices that work for you, and commit to making them part your life routine. Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for your overall wellbeing and a vital step in breaking free from people-pleasing behaviour.
3.Identify your values and beliefs
Identifying and honouring your values and beliefs is a core strategy to overcome people-pleasing tendencies. This is because it helps you establish a strong sense of self, which is often dented in the pursuit of pleasing others. To do this:
- Start by taking some time to reflect on what truly matters to you. Your core values, passions, and beliefs are those that define who you are. It could be honesty, integrity, kindness, or personal growth etc
- Then, make a commitment to honour them in all your interactions. This might mean standing up for your beliefs even if they’re unpopular, or making decisions based on your values even if others might not approve. It’s about being authentic and true to yourself, instead of moulding yourself to fit others’ expectations of who you should be or what you should do.
Remember, you have a right to live according to your own values and beliefs, and anyone who truly respects you will honour that. It may be challenging initially, but with time, it will strengthen your self-esteem and help you break free from the need to constantly please others.
4.Practice assertiveness to manage a people pleasing habit
Practicing assertiveness is a powerful weapon against the habit of people-pleasing. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open, honest, and respectful way. It’s about standing up for your rights while still considering the rights of others.
People-pleasers often struggle with assertiveness because you fear conflict or rejection. However, it’s important to realize that your needs and feelings are just as valid as anyone else’s. To practice assertiveness,
- Start by acknowledging your feelings in a given situation. Use ‘I’ statements to express your needs or wants, such as “I feel overwhelmed when I take on too many tasks. I need some help to manage my workload.”
- Be firm but polite, and remember it’s okay to say ‘no’.
Over time, practicing assertiveness will not only help you break free from people-pleasing behaviour. It will also build your self-confidence and improve your relationships and can help you take back control of your life.
5.Recognize and challenge irrational beliefs about needing to be a people pleaser
Recognizing and challenging irrational beliefs is another core step in overcoming people-pleasing habits. These beliefs often stem from deep-seated fears of rejection or a distorted sense of self-worth, leading you to go to great lengths to keep others satisfied, even at your own expense.
- To challenge these beliefs, start by identifying them. Pay attention to your thought patterns when you’re about to engage in people-pleasing behaviour. You might notice thoughts like “I must make everyone happy” or “If I say no, they won’t like me”.
- Once you’ve identified these irrational beliefs, question their validity. Ask yourself: “Is it really my responsibility to make everyone else happy?”, “Is my value as a person dependent on others’ approval?” or “Is it possible that people will still like me even if I express my own needs and desires?”
By actively challenging these beliefs, you’ll begin to reshape your mindset, replacing destructive thought patterns with healthier, more rational ones. This practice can significantly reduce the urge to please others and lead to greater self-confidence and autonomy.
6.Seek support
Seeking support really helps when you commit to tackling your people-pleasing tendencies. The journey of freeing oneself from this behaviour can be challenging and at times, overwhelming. Having a supportive network – friends, family, or professionals like therapists or life coaches – can make this journey less daunting.
They can provide you with a safe space to express your feelings, validate your experiences, and offer guidance. If you’re uncomfortable discussing this with people you know, consider seeking help from a professional counsellor or therapist. These professionals can provide you with tools and techniques to understand your people-pleasing habits better and guide you in establishing healthier patterns. Support groups, both online and offline, can also be beneficial as they connect you with individuals who are going through similar experiences.
Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but a step towards empowerment. It’s okay to lean on others as you navigate your way out of the people-pleasing maze.
7.Celebrate your achievements
Acknowledging and celebrating your achievements is really important when you are working on the habit of people-pleasing. People-pleasers have a tendency to downplay their accomplishments, focusing more on meeting others’ expectations than recognizing their own successes. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and a lack of self-esteem. To counter this:
- Start by acknowledging every achievement, no matter how small it may seem. Completed a project at work? Celebrate it. Stood up for yourself in a difficult situation? Acknowledge it. By doing this, you are reinforcing your self-worth and validating your capabilities independent of others’ opinions.
- To celebrate, you could treat yourself to something you enjoy or simply take a moment to revel in the feeling of accomplishment. This practice not only boosts your confidence but also helps shift the focus from pleasing others to appreciating and honouring yourself.
Remember, your value does not lie in how much you can do for others, but in being true to yourself and acknowledging your own growth and achievements. This will reinforce the idea that you are deserving of happiness and success just by being you.
8.Build self-awareness about your people pleasing habit
Self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires. It’s important because it allows you to understand your own needs and wants, separate from those of others, which is often a struggle for people-pleasers. To build self-awareness,
start by paying attention to your feelings and reactions in different situations. Notice when you’re tempted to please others at the expense of your own needs. Reflect on why you feel this way – is it fear of rejection, a need for approval, or something else?
Use techniques like journaling or mindfulness meditation to help you tune into your inner experiences. You might also consider seeking feedback from trusted friends or a counsellor to gain different perspectives. As your self-awareness grows, you’ll be better equipped to recognize and change your people-pleasing behaviours.
Remember, self-awareness is a journey, not a destination, and every step you take towards understanding yourself better is a step away from the trap of people-pleasing.
9.Set realistic expectations
Often, people-pleasers feel obligated to meet impossible standards, driven by the desire to constantly satisfy others. This not only leads to stress and burnout, but also undermines your self-esteem. To set realistic expectations,
Recognise that you cannot be everything to everyone. Understand that it’s okay not to be perfect (no one is!) and it’s impossible to please everyone all the time.
Discuss your limitations of time, energy, money etc honestly with others. Negotiate tasks or commitments that fit in with your capacity and priorities. You may be able to do part of something when you cannot do it all.
Practice saying ‘no’ when required and remember, your worth is not determined by how much you do for others.
It’s important to set expectations for others’ behaviour towards you as well. You have the right to be treated with respect and understanding. Anticipate and accept that some people may not always be happy with your decisions, and that’s okay. You do not have to tolerate outbursts of disappointment or anger, or attempts to drive you towards guilt or shame.
By setting and maintaining realistic expectations, you can reduce unnecessary pressure on yourself, improve your relationships, and foster a healthier sense of self-worth. This is a move towards truly being consciously, authentically responsible for, and directing your life.
10.Focus on your personal growth
Invest in yourself by pursuing new skills, hobbies, or interests. Personal growth can help you gain confidence and independence, making it easier to resist the urge to please others.
A people-pleasing habit often stems from low self-esteem or a lack of self-awareness, which can be improved through personal development.
Set aside time to explore your interests, values, and passions. This can help you understand who you are outside of the expectations of others, and help you to make decisions in tune with your true desires rather than being held hostage by the need to please.
Engage in activities that encourage growth such as reading, going to workshops, or practicing mindfulness techniques. This can help you develop self-compassion, resilience, and emotional intelligence, all of which are useful in curbing people-pleasing behaviour.
Set personal goals and work towards to boost your sense of self-efficacy, making you less likely to seek validation from others.
Personal growth is a life-long process. Every step you take towards understanding yourself better is a step away from things that trip you up and limit your happiness and success. Transformation doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and celebrate every small victory along the way.
Listen, it’s not only okay – in fact, it’s essential – to make your own needs and desires important. You are not responsible for everyone else’s happiness, but you are responsible for your own. Check in with yourself and look at how well or not you are looking after your life. It’s time to step out of the shadows of constant approval-seeking and step into the light of self-validation and self-respect. This isn’t just about saying ‘No’ to others; it’s about saying a loud, booming ‘YES’ to yourself and your own life and embracing the worthy, unique individual that you are.
So break free from the prison of people pleasing and move forward with confidence to live your best life!