Do you find yourself constantly striving for perfection? Maybe you’re a procrastinator, always putting off tasks until you can do them perfectly. Or maybe you’re a perfectionist at work, always needing to make sure everything is just right.
Whatever your particular brand of perfectionism, it can be harmful, both to the individual and to those around them.
What is perfectionism and how does it develop?
Perfectionism is an unreasonable and persistent striving for flawlessness. It is the unrealistic perfection that an individual sets up as a standard of behaviour or action, usually coming from continuously having to deliver perfection from external sources like parents or authority figures.
Over time, perfectionists become increasingly focused on gaining approval, with perfectionism preventing just living in pursuit of personal joy. As perfectionist standards are often unmet due to their being impossible to achieve, this can lead to guilt, frustration and low self-esteem.
When perfectionistic behaviour is allowed to continue unchecked, individuals may find themselves becoming overwhelmed and unmotivated because perfectionism sets up the expectation that there is no way they can “win”.
Incorrectly interpreted as a strength
Perfectionism can appear in different ways, but destructive, maladaptive, or toxic perfectionism have one common trait – they are destructive behaviours that masquerade as helpful traits.
This false sense of help is why so many people incorrectly believe that perfectionism is a beneficial trait to have. When you cling to this faulty thinking you can become stuck in a destructive cycle of pressure and anxiety.
In today’s modern world, the idea of being flawless can be attractive and unfortunately lead many to stray from the truth behind destructive perfectionism.
Unknowingly thought of as motivation for success and productivity, perfectionism in fact can inhibit personal growth as it completely stunts any progress due to fear-based obstacles and drawbacks that come with chasing an unrealistically perfect life.
perfectionism masks insecurity
Perfectionism can often be used as a mask for insecurity and low self-esteem. Rather than facing their insecurities openly, these people will turn to perfectionism as a way of hiding their true feelings.
This can lead to an unrealistic desire for success and cause them to become overly critical of themselves and others. Taking the time to recognize these tendencies is the first step in beginning to address the underlying issues which have contributed to the development of perfectionist tendencies.
With understanding and compassion, you can learn how to move away from perfectionism and towards a more balanced, healthy and joyful outlook.
Perfectionism hurts relationships
This way of being can sometimes lead to people unfairly demanding perfection from those around them. Their behaviour is often driven by the fear of being impacted in some less-desirable way by someone else’s performance. Whilst such expectations may be unrealistic and limiting for those in their life, it’s important to recognize that even with good intentions, it can hurt relationships.
People who demand perfection from others may not realize that it minimizes their success as well as possible causes them distress. It’s important to remember that everybody has weaknesses and strengths.
By recognizing this, we can help create an environment where everyone can give their best without expecting unrealistic levels of perfection which could create unnecessary stress or conflict.
identify and manage this tendency
Perfectionism is more than striving to do your best—it can be a significant weakness that can take a toll on both mental and physical health. To identify if you have difficulties with perfectionism, it’s important to look at yourself objectively and listen to your inner dialogue and the choices you are making in daily life.
Managing perfectionism requires rethinking and correcting your thought patterns along with changing behaviours in small steps so that you can achieve balance without losing sight of your goals.
Behaviours that suggest perfectionist traits include:
- Being overly critical of oneself and others. Nothing is ever good enough.
- Having difficulty accepting criticism from others.
- Difficulty completing tasks and/or coping by avoiding tasks entirely.
- Setting unrealistically high standards for yourself and chasing after these standards even if this harms you.
- Procrastinating due to fear of failure. Avoiding making decisions or committing to a process or person.
By managing your thoughts, you can learn to take criticism as constructive, rather than destructive and understand when it’s time to step away from an assignment to focus on self-care or taking on something new. Similarly, by becoming more aware of your behaviour and its origins, you can, without judgement, start to keep it in its place and stop it from directing your life.
Ackowledge the problem
Admitting that you are stuck in the trap of perfectionism is the first step to managing it. Perfectionists want everything to be perfect but in reality, things rarely turn out perfectly and this can take a toll on your emotional well-being and confidence levels.
Perfectionists need to recognize that striving for excellence is great, but expecting every detail to meet with exactness is not healthy or helpful. Also, it’s essential to differentiate true excellence from its vain disguise – pretending to be like a perfectionist you know or trying to be too perfect yourself; this is another way that many people cover up their fear of failure and lack of confidence.
Therefore, identify and manage your perfectionism if you have it, aiming not at absolute perfection but inner contentment with less-than-perfect outcomes, and refocusing your goals away from “perfection” towards improving your self-confidence instead.
Ways to start to manage perfectionist traits
1. Set realistic expectations for yourself and acknowledge that it’s ok to make mistakes.
2. Take time to practice self-compassion, noticing when you need to give yourself a break and forgive yourself for not being perfect.
3. Celebrate the small wins, such as finishing even the most mundane tasks with excellence.
4. Express gratitude for what you have achieved and recognize your successes without comparing them to anyone else’s.
5. Make time for leisure activities that you enjoy, focusing on activities that don’t require perfectionism or overly difficult goals.
6. Appreciate the things you are good at as well as the things you are not so good at. This is what contributes to you and the whole individual. Your mistakes do not take anything away from who you truly are.
7. Monitor your thoughts for all-or-nothing thinking, black-and-white thinking, and filtering.
Perfectionism is just a designer disguise for low confidence and self-esteem. If you have this problem, then admitting it is a start to managing it. Also, do not make becoming a perfectionist or like a perfectionist your goal for improving confidence – it is just another low-confidence disguise!
Cultivate healthy coping mechanisms such as talking to someone you trust about your struggles with perfectionism, and consider accessing help and advice to develop insight into how this came about and the ways that you can manage it. Finally, give yourself permission to be imperfect and focus on enjoying the process, and everyday life, rather than the outcome.