Do you often feel like the weight of everyone’s expectations is on your shoulders? Or do you find yourself ceaselessly striving to please other people and fear disapproval or criticism? If so, then chances are that you are a classic “people pleaser.”
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READ: 10 Strategies for Release from People Pleasing
Potential Root Causes of People Pleasing
Let’s talk about people pleasing, or as America’s Dr Phil would call it, “being a human pretzel.” It’s a common trait amongst many individuals. It is often based on a desire to be liked and accepted by others, at almost any cost…
People pleasing is an often unrecognized pattern of behaviour where you put your own needs and wants second to others’ desires. Sometimes it may not cause overt harm. But when left unaddressed, it can lead to significant negative effects on both mental and physical health.
However, have you ever stopped to wonder where this behaviour originates from? Well, it turns out that people-pleasing can stem from a number of sources including:
Childhood upbringing and family dynamics
People-pleasing behaviour can stem from childhood experiences where you were taught, either directly or indirectly, that your self-worth and being loved were dependent upon pleasing others.
This could be a result of overly controlling or demanding parents, or inconsistent parental affection. Or living in a household where emotional expression was discouraged.
Low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence
If you struggle with low self-esteem you may seek validation and approval from others to make up for your perceived inadequacies.
As a result, you may develop people-pleasing behaviours in an attempt to feel more secure and accepted by those around you.
Fear of rejection or abandonment
Being a people-pleaser can cause you to have an underlying fear of being rejected or abandoned by others. This then drives you to constantly seek approval and reassurance.
This fear may originate from previous experiences of rejection, like an unhappy romantic relationship or a background of being treated as an outsider on the edges of social events.
Co-dependency
If you are co-dependent you may often engage in people-pleasing behaviours as a means of keeping relationships going and avoiding feelings of loneliness or isolation.
You may rely too much on others to feel good about yourself, which could cause you to put other people’s needs and wants in front of your own.
Social conditioning and cultural expectations
The expectations of society and culture may also contribute to the development of people-pleasing tendencies. Some cultures believe that it is very important to work together and have peace, whatever the costs. In these cultures, it might be considered more important to meet the needs of the group instead of just thinking about what you want.
Additionally, certain gender roles and expectations may promote people-pleasing behaviours, such as the expectation for women to be nurturing, accommodating, and self-sacrificing.
Regardless of the actual cause, understanding the possible foundations of your behaviour can give you greater self-awareness. Hopefully, this can then help you to break free from this cycle of pleasing others and neglecting your own needs.
People Pleasing in Everyday Life
Let’s be honest, we have all fallen victim to people-pleasing at some point in our lives. Whether we find ourselves saying yes to every request, avoiding confrontation, or constantly seeking approval from others. Well, these behaviours can hurt your relationships and your overall well-being. So, why do you do it?
Here is a list of a few common situations of people pleasing that may shed some light on the underlying motivations.
Agreeing with others’ opinions even when you disagree
You may do this to fit in with a group and avoid being seen as different or confrontational. You might worry that expressing your true opinion could lead to conflict or rejection by the group.
Always saying “yes” to requests, even if it’s inconvenient
This pattern can stem from not wanting to disappoint others or feeling guilty for, or not knowing how to say, “no.”
If you consistently put others’ needs before your own, you may struggle with self-worth and feel the need to prove your value to others.
Going along with others’ plans without voicing preferences
If you tend to not share your your preferences, or struggle with making decisions, it might be that you are trying too hard to please others and hiding your own needs.
This can result from a fear of being seen as difficult or not wanting to impose your choices on others, leading you to simply go along with whatever is suggested. Even when this make you unhappy.
Avoiding confrontation at all costs
If you are afraid of conflict, you may hide your feelings or opinions to ‘keep the peace’, even if it means allowing yourself to be mistreated.
This behaviour can be motivated by a desire to preserve relationships or a belief that standing up for yourself will only make things worse.
Constantly seeking validation and praise from others
If you struggle with self-worth you may rely heavily on external validation to feel good about yourself.
You may engage in people-pleasing behaviours, such as excessive complimenting or doing favours, in an attempt to win approval and bolster your self-esteem.
However, the fact remains that prioritizing others over yourself is not a reasonable way of living in the long term. It’s time to break the cycle and give importance to your own needs. You need to start showing yourself, and through this example teach others that your well-being is just as important as theirs.
The Impact of a People Pleasing Habit
Are you known as the “yes person” in your friend group or workplace? Always agreeing to plans or taking on extra tasks, even if it means sacrificing your well-being?
People pleasing may seem like harmless behaviour, but its negative impact on your health and well-being can be significant.
Lowered self-esteem
It can affect your confidence, mental and physical health, self-care, and relationships in both your personal and professional life.
When you constantly seek approval from others, it can break down your self-esteem and leave you feeling unfulfilled, as you repeatedly prioritize others’ needs over your own.
This can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and even depression. You may feel overwhelmed by the pressure to please everyone and become silently resentful of this.
Poorer health
Physically, people-pleasers often neglect their well-being. You don’t look after your health. This may be by not getting enough rest or exercise, or by engaging in unhealthy habits to fit in with others.
Unsatisfactory relationships
In relationships, behaving this way can create resentment. It can make you feel that your needs are never met and that you are always catering to others, whilst feeling unable to change this dynamic.
It also becomes the role that everyone expects of you, and they may initially resist your efforts to change it. After all, if you have been catering to their needs and making lives easier, they would protest if this is challenged.
Career stagnation
This life position can also hinder your professional development. People-pleasers tend to avoid taking on challenging roles or speaking up for themselves for fear of disappointing their superiors or colleagues. Commonly, you end up feeling used or taken advantage of and stuck resenting a role that you actually helped to create.
Ultimately, breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies is crucial for building your confidence, fostering healthier relationships, and promoting your overall well-being. So it’s important to set boundaries and prioritize self-care, even if it means saying no sometimes. Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish – it’s necessary for your overall happiness and well-being.
Lies You Tell YOurselF about People Pleasing
Let’s face it – we all like to be liked. Striving to please others can be a good thing, motivating us to be kinder, more compassionate people.
But there’s a fine line between being kind and being a doormat, and often we blur that line with excuses that we tell ourselves.
It’s a service or help to others
One common way you may lie to yourself is by arguing that this behaviour benefits others. In reality, it often leads to resentment and a lack of authenticity in relationships.
It is closer to the truth that this type of caring is not authentic, but just a disguise. It hides the reality of your motivation for ‘serving’ being that you need to feed a need for approval, feeling valued, or bolstering your low confidence.
Ignoring the impact on yourself
People pleasers may actively avoid acknowledging the negative impact their behaviour has on their well-being. And may well be in denial about this.
By not confronting the emotional and physical toll that comes from constantly trying to please others, you can continue to rationalize your actions instead.
Downplaying the cost, to all, of avoiding confrontation
People pleasers often convince themselves that avoiding conflict is worth the price of their own happiness and well-being.
You may tell yourself that you are keeping the peace, but in reality, you’re sacrificing your own needs and desires for the sake of others. This may just be maintaining a destructive situation, such as remaining in an abusive relationship.
Assuming responsibility for others’ feelings
You may think that if you don’t please someone, that person will be upset or disappointed, and it will be your fault.
This belief allows you to justify your behaviour as necessary for maintaining harmony in your relationships. This is simply creating a fantasy of serving others by keeping them happy.
In reality, we are each responsible for our own behaviours. It’s too easy to believe the lie that you ’cause’ others to feel or behave in a certain way. This then becomes the building blocks of guilt and shame.
You are just not that powerful to force people to feel certain thins, or behave in specific ways! Everyone has a choice about how they feel, react or behave. [Read that last sentence again and think about it].
Fearing rejection or disapproval
People pleasers often fear that if they don’t cater to the needs and wants of others, they will be rejected or disapproved of.
This fear can lead you to rationalize your behaviour, convincing yourself that it’s better to put others first than to risk losing their love and acceptance.
You might justify putting someone else’s needs before your own as being selfless, or tell yourself that you’re being assertive when you’re just avoiding conflict.
These lies we tell ourselves can become ingrained habits that shape the way we interact with others. Recognizing them is the first step in breaking free.
So, if you find yourself constantly putting others first, ask yourself – is it truly for their benefit, or is it just another excuse to avoid asserting your own needs and choices?
As you can see, people-pleasing may seem harmless on the surface, but its effects can be deeply damaging to you over a lifetime if left unchecked. The ideas in this blog post are a useful starting point for uncovering your own possible people-pleasing tendencies.
Remember, life is really too short to waste it on trying to keep everyone else happy and not yourself. Now is the time for you to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing once and for all. You can do it!